Today’s Horoscope for Dieters

Today’s Horoscope for July 13, 2013

Do not let the day go by without reading your personal horoscope:

Taurus: Don’t let your addictions get the better of you. Cheese puffs and ice cream will destroy any of your recent gains so keep your pie-hole occupied with veggies and dip. Think about getting off the couch at some point you lazy SOB!

Cancer: Over doing it today will make you gassy. There is no avoiding this. In social situations sit next to the television or the air-conditioner. It will be helpful to keep a dog nearby to take the blame. If you workout today do the world a favor and pick a remote corner of the gym and most importantly avoid doing squats!

Aries: Be careful about food getting stuck in your teeth and try not to be overly goofy today – this is a bad combination. Think twice before visiting friends: you will get stuck in traffic and arrive acting like a jerk. Ease up on the alcohol otherwise your mother will come down on you. She stands a good chance of kicking your butt in a fight and embarrass you in front of your friends. Eat bacon and eggs today.

Libra: You should hang out with an Aries today. As long as they don’t drive they are going to be fun. Do them a favor and check their teeth once and awhile and be nice to their mom. Don’t wear green because I think Aries will be wearing green today and the two of you will look like twins. People may talk… Don’t eat pizza today as it will go right to your hips.

Gemini: It may take a jack hammer to get your butt out of bed today. Don’t walk into a gym today because people will look at you funny and give you a complex. Rehydrate with a low-fat fruit smoothie and stay indoors. Find a treadmill or something. Eat more fruit today.

Sagitarius: You are the most likely to find a hair in your salad today. Stay calm. If you are lucky it will be in your dressing and easy to remove. Do not make eye contact with the Iranian waiter. His chest hair will persuade you not to finish the salad.

Capricorn: If you bomb the bathroom at a friends house make yourself scarce. When the next person walks by they will know it was you. Stay away from diet products and things that contain Olestra. Fat free stuff is your enemy… and thus your friends enemy too.

Pisces: Today will be a sweaty day for you so put on extra anti-perspirant and take a cold shower. This may be due to lack of sex or something… Carry a shower cap and a raincoat around with you today as it may actually help you to find a shag partner. Avoid telephone poles. Indulge on oysters and other healthy aphrodisiacs and look to shack up with an Aries today.

Leo: You have a tendency to sour quickly and get a tude about every stupid thing. Venting will get you nowhere. Don’t eat meat today, instead have some tofu and sprouts. You are allowed to have desert to make you feel better you wuss. Since you may be irritable it is best you leave any weaponry at home before you go out. Gang banging and car-jacking are definitely not recommended today.

Virgo: Apples and pears are your allies while peanuts are your enemy. Avoid brownies at all costs. Dress scantily today if you have a nice body, otherwise think Burqa. Avoid people who are taking pictures with cellphones as you will be an easy target. I see a volkswagen and a poodle in your future.

Scorpio: Displays of affection backfire on you today. It is best if you just hang out with your dog. Watch out though for Cancers as they may be overly flirtatious towards your canine friend and it can cause a fist fight. If you do not own a dog borrow a friends. You have a hankering for leftovers and table scraps. I would stick with a protein heavy diet today like steak and eggs. Dogs love it.

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