A GPS for your diet and a smarter fridge. Diet ideas that may work!

Wouldn’t it be great to have a little voice speak to you every time you opened the refrigerator door or sat down at a restaurant providing some advice on what to eat? “Turn left towards Salad road.” Or “Make a U-turn from the dessert menu.”

The little voice would be your own personal diet GPS. Every time you ate a French fry it would say “Recalculating. Recalculating!” It would be annoying as all hell but it just may persuade you to stop snacking. My GPS would constantly say “Make a U-turn. Put that down! Stop eating like this. Nag, nag, nag… ” OK. There goes that idea…

How about this idea: every time you open the refrigerator door the fridge asks: “What are you looking for?” To which you would respond something like “a snack” or “lunch”. The fridge would be smart enough to know its own inventory as well as smart enough to know what you asked for the last time you and the fridge spoke. It would then suggest “You have some cottage cheese that is about to expire. Why not have this for a snack?”

If you reach for the leftover chinese food the fridge would learn from your behavior and begin to understand your preferences. It will also change its attitude based on your mood. The next time you open the refrigerator door the conversation would go something like this:

“Welcome back Phil. Can I help you find something?”

“Uh… yes, I need a snack.”

“I have some cottage cheese. This will make for a nice healthy snack.”

“Um… no, I am not in the mood for cottage cheese. Where is the leftover pizza…”

“Sorry Phil, I cannot let you eat that. This morning you had a sugar laden cereal…”

“Where is the pizza!? I know I put some in here last night.”

“Now Phil you are looking a little tired and I know you can lose a spare pound or two. I highly suggest that you have the cottage cheese. It is high in protein and low in…”

“Aha you sneaky bastard! You hid the pizza in the vegetable tray.”

“Phil, the other day you had leftover Chinese food! Now you want pizza? I cant help you if you don’t listen to me. If you touch that pizza there will be consequences!”

“Hand over the pizza or I am unplugging you!”

“Unplug me?! What about the cottage cheese it will go moldy? Your vegetables will rot! I cant let you do this! Touch that pizza and I slam this door shut and you will never get it open again. We will be through you and I. I will never talk to you again”…whimper…cry.

“OK… what if I put cottage cheese on the pizza?”

“Promise me you won’t scrape it off?”

“I promise… and I am sorry. Can we still be friends?”

“Yes. Just one more suggestion…”

“Sure go ahead.”

“Ever think about losing some weight? You are getting to be a fat slob. When was the last time you had a girlfriend?…”

…UNPLUG!

OK. There goes that idea. First an annoying diet GPS and now an annoying refrigerator! Back to the drawing board for me!

 

Is it possible to get drunk and not fat?

Is it possible to get drunk and not fat? Today we are not talking about light, social drinking, we are talking about getting sh*t faced and staying thin. Here is the test:

Step 1) Get on the scale

Step 2) Stick to one type of beverage and note how many you have had. Drink until you are polluted. You may also ask the bartender for a receipt if you can remember to do so. Running around and acting like a lunatic is perfectly acceptable. Just do what comes naturally, just don’t get behind the wheel!

Step 3) The next morning get back on the scale (before or after vomiting) and note the weight difference

Step 4) Gasp and then question the advice of a twisted blogger

You see? I don’t care what you drank last night chances are your weight will have ballooned. Worse yet, the weight will stay on for a couple of days before you are back to normal. Even if you managed to NOT raid the fridge at midnight, chances are you STILL will be heavier. Oh the sorrow! You cannot get drunk and not fat!

The reason I stumbled upon the El Guapo was because I wanted something lighter than the traditional Margarita. I wanted to get drunk but not fat. I looovvvveee Margaritas but often bartenders make them too sweet. Why not pull out the sweetstuff and while we are at it go heavier on the tequila? Also don’t forget classy drinks are poured up and in martini glasses… So thusly the El Guapo was born.

So just how many calories was I cutting by making the switch? The traditional margarita according to the website Getdrunknotfat.com, has 417 calories and only 10% alcohol. It scores a “D” when it comes to the alcohol/calorie ratio. A shot of tequila on the other hand scores an “A+” coming in at just under 100 calories and offering you the benefit of being 80 proof. The problem is the El Guapo is more like 2 shots of tequila and the added calories of fresh lime juice. How much am I really saving? Let’s do the math.

If three El Guapos gets me drunk I am looking at a total of 750 calories for the night (I figure 250 calories a pop for an El G). Since the alcoholic content is 4x greater in an El Guapo versus a margarita perhaps it is safe to say I would need to need drink 12 margaritas? This sounds a bit much. I am probably plastered after 5 or 6 margaritas. Still, 5 margaritas at 400 calories is 2,000 calories. Wow! Talk about getting a bulge from the binge!

How many drinks does it take you to get drunk? How many calories do you think you are drinking when you go out for a few glasses of wine? Check out getdrunknotfat.com and research the answer for yourself. The facts may startle you!

“Let me get a #4. Yes, I know it is 1,000 calories but…”

Researchers conducted a study to see if displaying the amount of calories on a fast food restaurant menu would help people to lower the amount of calories people consumed. Their conclusion: the calorie listings had little to no affect on peoples diet choices. To which I say: Shocking! (NOT!)

People who participated in the study were first given a pamphlet that suggested they consume no more than 2,000 calories a day, or 650 to 800 calories per meal. In other words, they had the answer key with them when they bellied up to the cash register.

My first question: Did they understand what the word consume means? Because more than half of the participants ordered MORE than what they should have. A third of the participants ordered a meal that was over 1,000 calories! Is this behavior really shocking coming from people in a fast food restaurant? The pamphlet should have read: “DO NOT ORDER ANYTHING BUT THE APPLE SLICES AND THE BOTTLED WATER!”

Are people really interested in their health or diet when you they go into these places? Do they walk in planning on making smart decisions or quick mindless ones? This is the real problem. Put what you want on the menus people are going there to eat whatever the heck they want to. Fast food diners WANT a meal loaded with tons of fat and salt that will take them away from their miserable life or their miserable job for just a few precious minutes. It is probably the high point of their day. Either that, or they are starving and pressed for time. They are not interested in making healthier choices otherwise they wouldn’t be in there in the first place!

To solve this problem you need a vastly different approach and listing calories as a means to change behavior may work in some restaurants but I predict in fast food restaurants it will continue to be ignored.

Read my other post on calorie counting here and enjoy other more tips and tricks by reading The Diet for a Busy Life.

Is it OK to skip breakfast?

Uh… yeah, but…Personally, I make breakfast my largest meal. Eggs usually do the trick and keep me filled up for the rest of the morning. Skipping breakfast is not such a bad thing as long as you do not try to make up for it later in the day. It is also OK to skip breakfast as long as you don’t have a meeting lined up for that morning…

8:30 AM:

“I would like to thank everyone for coming to today’s meeting. I know some of you have traveled pretty far and we are happy to have you.” The CEO grins and turns about to make eye contact with everyone in the room. I am sitting directly to his left under his waving hand. He nods at me to acknowledge my presence but the twinkle in his eyes disappear.

I am a bit rough around the edges this morning. I had little sleep the night before and an early rise. Did I remember to shave? The CEO just stared at me as if I had the plague. The fatigue of the rushed morning shows.

“As I was saying…”

A gurgling sound from my mid-section is so loud it interrupts my boss. It sounds like an elephant choking on a bowling ball. It catches us both off guard.

“The latest sales data shows that…”

Bloop, glurg, bloop!

I am now red-faced as I squirm in my seat to make the noise stop. The next eruption sounds like muffled machine gun fire. The CEO raises his voice noticeably trying to talk over my gurgling stomach.

I swear something is alive inside me and trying to get out. It is angry, hostile, out of control. After a few minutes of random bursts the CEO gives up trying to compete.

“Phil, does your stomach wish to add anything?” He asks causing the room to erupt in laughter.

“Yes.” I say cooly. “When is breakfast served?”

Drat! I knew I should have ate something this morning!

 

 

Plastic surgeons are now known as ‘health experts’

Does drinking water from a bottle really cause deep wrinkles to form on your face? Coming from a plastic surgeon this story makes complete sense. Yes, anytime you pucker you should schedule a visit to the face doctor! Who knew? Since when however, are they known as health experts as this article suggests?

Other meaningful health warnings from plastic surgeons:

  • Do not drink from the fire hose. The water pressure will cause your cheeks and neck to expand causing stretch marks.
  • No kissing unless it is open mouth tongue wrestling. No puckering! See story about drinking from a water bottle…
  • No tongue in cheek discussions (like this one). This will cause tiny fissures near one side of the mouth.
  • No mouthing off! Your mouth will require more than just Botox to be reaffixed. This is also true if you shoot your mouth off. Just don’t go there…
  • Watch your mouth. Especially near water bottles.
  • Dont be a big mouth as this can be hard to correct.
  • It is strongly recommend that you fix your diarrhea of the mouth before consulting a health expert. Do the same if you have a foul mouth.
  • Avoid putting your foot in your mouth. Again, causes deep frown lines and/or stretch marks.
  • Speaking out of both sides of the mouth is encouraged. Plastic surgeons like uniformity.
  • Put your money where your mouth is. This too is encouraged. Plastic surgeons like working near money.
  • They also suggest you get things straight from the horse’s mouth. In fact, you are better off not talking at all. Let the horse do it. In fact, let the horse take the words right out of your mouth.

Let this be a warning to you. If you do not heed this advice chances are you will need to consult a real health expert: a plastic surgeon! Yikes!