Staying fit is important but sadly there are many exercises that can lead to injury or worse yet a bruised ego. I have compiled a list of the top 10 exercises you should avoid at all costs:
The “I shouldn’t be in public dancing” Move – Stand on your right foot. Grab your left ankle and pull your foot behind you. Jerk the foot forward and backwards while at the same time bobbing your head and saying “You can’t touch this!” Occasionally, try to perform the robot.
While dancing can be a great form of exercise it should only be attempted by people who know how to do it. Practice in the privacy of your own home and have a few friends critique your moves before you decide to go public.
The Gnarly Bug Dance – While holding a broom, jump around a large spider or cricket. Occasionally swing at the bug with the broom or throw objects in its direction.
This is a great exercise for the lower body and can help improve your cardiovascular system. However, it may damage your sanity as well as nearby lamps, picture frames or walls.
Texting and Walking – Select a wide sidewalk, preferably a crowded one at the height of rush hour. While in the very middle of the sidewalk attempt to walk and text at the same time.
This is a great fat burning workout. The faster you walk the more interesting things get. However, it is very important to walk in the middle of the sidewalk. If you walk too close to the side you run the risk of falling off the curb or walking into street signs. Trust me, it is not cool to suddenly find yourself on your back with strangers looking down on you texting “LMAO”.
Office Coffee Climb – Carry fifteen lattes, mochas or frappuchinos from the coffee place downstairs back to your floor in the office building. Do not spill any coffee.
A good all around exercise but fraught with danger especially if your are wearing white. You also stand a high chance of burning yourself. Most of all you better get the order right otherwise you could face the wraith of an angry co-worker.
The Air Conditioner Pull – Lean outside a window and from a hanging position, hold the power cord of a 10,000 BTU air-conditioner and attempt to pull the unit back into the window.
This exercise is great for the arms but because of the position of your feet and legs (braced against the wall) it is an excellent full body workout. Beginners and those under 150 pounds should avoid attempting this with anything over 10,000 BTU.
The Mattress Pull – Begin by loosely tying a mattress to the top of your car. Drive onto the interstate and then reach highways speeds. When the mattress falls off, stop the vehicle. DO NOT BACK UP. Walk back and retrieve the mattress and drag it back to the car. Repeat several times.
The exercise is fantastic for the back and legs. If performed right you can also work the shoulders and triceps. Once the mattress is back on top of the car hold onto it with your left hand while steering with your right.
The Toddler Chase a.k.a The Cat Chase – This exercise can be performed one of two ways: Let your toddler run amuck in the shopping mall and be “that” parent who goes yelling after them, or let your girlfriend’s cat out of the house on accident.
In most cases this is a perfectly acceptable form of cardio exercise when it is just you and the cat or the baby. When other people get involved things get ugly fast.
The Drunken Friend Drag – With the help of a drunk friend, drag him or her to your car or home. If they are really drunk you may have to carry them over your shoulders fireman style.
This is another great full body exercise but one that can also lead to injury if not done correctly. First, make sure your friend is really drunk before attempting this and two, make sure they have an empty stomach. Finally, make sure you are not drunk yourself. In these situations it is perfectly acceptable to drag your friend to a park bench; it still makes for a great workout.
The Hot Pizza Hand Wave – Bite into a slice of pizza BEFORE allowing it to cool. Without choking, attempt to inhale cool air while waving your hands repeatedly in front of your mouth.
There are probably at least a dozen arm exercises that are better than this one.
The Walmart Crack Shuffle – Step 1) Lower your pants so that your backside is nearly completely exposed. 2) Push a shopping cart down the aisle of a Walmart (or other large retailer).
This exercise has several variations:
- The “I have a trampy tattoo and I want you to see it” shuffle – this is always a classy move.
- The “I just got out of bed” crawl – No need for personal hygiene. It is only a Walmart.
- The “Yes, that is a G-string and that is my child I am carrying” walk – Men should avoid this exercise.
- The “I am super trendy gangsta!!!” pimp walk – Not an acceptable form of exercise for young, urban professionals or soccer moms.
Practice the Walmart Crack Shuffle workout on a treadmill in the privacy of your own home before going public.