Spicy food makes an otherwise boring diet exciting yet its consumption comes with consequences. The challenge of eating spicy food without major side affects has been a quest of mankind for centuries. Today, there are many known approaches: ice water, antacids and the practice of wearing frozen underwear.
With the advent of refrigeration it has now been possible to do something about late stage spicy food digestion. It is no longer necessary to squat in an icy river or walk around with a pail full of ice strapped to your backside. This article describes the history of how frozen underwear has come to be and how it has helped improve our quality of life.
Ancient Aztec writings tell us that Jalapeños were first consumed during the reign of Montezuma as early as 1000 BC. Apparently Montezuma ordered his Jaguar warriors to eat jalapeños in order to make them stronger. However the practice ended soon after Montezuma lost a battle with the Incas. Later, while plotting his revenge he and his men squatted in the ice cold Xochimlco River. The river got its name from the words “Oh Mi loco” which is Aztec for: “Soothe the great fire from behind.”
In 700 BC The Inuit tribe of Louisiana overdoes it with the cajun rub on their brisket. The tribe heads north to Alaska preferring to relocate over changing their diet. The forced march north is later dubbed “The long, painful toboggan ride.”
In 300 BC, Alexander the Great conquered a Persian army much larger than his own because of the Persian’s lack of mobility. Apparently the Persian Immortals had previously conquered India and were suffering from the after affects of spicy Indian food. Their inability to walk without dragging their backsides along the ground made them easy prey.
1450: The first recorded use of a bidet. Marco Polo brought back General Tso’s chicken from China creating what was the first overland Spicy Food Trade route. Europeans have never been the same and required an extra toilet in their bathrooms ever since.
1470: The famous inventor Leonardo di Vinci accidentally creates the first hot tub after putting too much tabasco in his bloody mary. Despite wild interest in the new device the hot tub does not catch on among spicy food eaters.
1812: Napoleon suffered his first major defeat at the battle of Waterloo so named because Napoleon was suffering from post spicy food consumption and needed a loo with water. He was famously quoted (with a French accent): “J’ai besoin d’une salle de bain avec de l’eau parce que mon derrière est en feu” Which means “I need a bathroom with water because my butt is on fire.” While Napoleon sits and reads the newspaper his armies falter.
1835: Ivan the Terrible protects Russia from invasion by selling blocks of ice to Genghis Khan after he and his men eat too much Korean barbecue.
1935: Hitler stumbles upon the idea of the blitzkrieg after losing a spicy hotdog eating contest to Goebles.
1972: General Electric toys with the idea of plug-in refrigerated underwear as part of its GE Profile line of products.
1975: a big fan of Mexican food, Lee Iaccoca introduces refrigerated seating in its Chrysler vehicles
1989: the fast food chain Taco Bell tests the slogan “Yo quiero un culo caliente!’
2004: Joan Rivers plastic surgeon creates the patented “Pucker Protector”. A discreet device that brings long lasting relief to late stage spicy food digestion.
2013: A hangover from too many El Guapo Calientes sends an avid blogger mad causing him to spend most of the day in the bathroom when the batteries in his Pucker Protector go dead. (Thank you Steve and Barbara!)