Top couch potato dogs

For several thousand years we have been selectively breeding dogs to help mankind survive. We bred dogs to help us hunt, we bred them to guard our sheep, we bred them for protection. Nowadays we breed them to help blind people, to sniff out bad guys, to look for bombs. The list goes on and on. Dogs are really, really cool. Of course nowadays some people use dogs for really uncool things like sitting in purses or keeping their fat butt on the couch.

I stumbled upon this article that lists the top “couch potato dogs”. These are dogs that are bred not to do anything except look cute and match our sedentary lifestyle. They don’t really have any other purpose. It sounds like they are being bred to be lazy just like us.  According to the author these dogs can get by with just “a short stroll or brief indoor playtime.” That sounds perfect for the typical couch potato.

“Dag nab it! If you can only walk yourself!”

I now envision a totally new breed of dog. It will have short legs like a Dachshund (because it never walks anywhere), a big fat belly (it will be shaped more like a pig) and it will learn to wear a diaper (because nobody will take it out for a walk). The breed will be called the Couch Dog.

This is how I see the interaction occurring between man(or woman) and their new best friend:

Human: “Fido, come here!”

Couch Dog: “Roof!” <<It ain’t happening>>

Couch Dog: “Bark!” <<Human lets go for a walk.>>

Human: “Burp. It ain’t happening.”

Couch Dog: “Woof!” <<Human can I have a bite of your sandwich?>>

Human: “Gosh, thats all you do is eat! OK, here you go…”

Couch Dog: “Roof!” <<Thanks! Can I snuggle up next to your warm, fat belly? Its like the perfect gelatinous cave to sniff around for other lost dogs…>>

Human: “Awww.. So cute.”

Couch Dog: “Bark!”

Human: “What?!”

Couch Dog: <<Gosh, thats all you do is eat! Can I have another bite of that sandwich?>>

Human: “Damn you! Here..”

Couch Dog: “Woof” <<Why are we watching the entire season of Housewives? I can think of a dozen better things to do. What is on Animal Planet? There was a show on cats I wanted to see…>>

Human: “Sssh! We are about to find out who stole the diamonds!”

Couch Dog: Bark!  <<I could use something to chew on that will help my teeth stay white,  my breath stay fresh and help my coat to glisten. I saw it on a commercial once…>>

Couch Dog: “Bark” <<Can I lick the crumbs off your shirt?>>

Human: “Stop bothering me.”

Couch Dog: “Bark! Bark!” <<Give me those crumbs damn it or I am making a mess in my diaper!>>

Human: “Phew! Was that you? Did you just fart? I can’t sit here for a minute without you ruining it!”

Couch Dog: <<Actually it has been five minutes since I lasted farted but about four hours since we have been on this couch together. Moohhhahaha! My master plan is working! I have bred the perfect human! I have comfort, warmth and a dumbass that will feed me and all I have to do is whimper. I am a genius!>>

Human: Faaarrrttt!

Cough Dog: “Yelp!” <<Oh no! I have created a monster!>>

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