Category Archives: Happiness

Top couch potato dogs

For several thousand years we have been selectively breeding dogs to help mankind survive. We bred dogs to help us hunt, we bred them to guard our sheep, we bred them for protection. Nowadays we breed them to help blind people, to sniff out bad guys, to look for bombs. The list goes on and on. Dogs are really, really cool. Of course nowadays some people use dogs for really uncool things like sitting in purses or keeping their fat butt on the couch.

I stumbled upon this article that lists the top “couch potato dogs”. These are dogs that are bred not to do anything except look cute and match our sedentary lifestyle. They don’t really have any other purpose. It sounds like they are being bred to be lazy just like us.  According to the author these dogs can get by with just “a short stroll or brief indoor playtime.” That sounds perfect for the typical couch potato.

“Dag nab it! If you can only walk yourself!”

I now envision a totally new breed of dog. It will have short legs like a Dachshund (because it never walks anywhere), a big fat belly (it will be shaped more like a pig) and it will learn to wear a diaper (because nobody will take it out for a walk). The breed will be called the Couch Dog.

This is how I see the interaction occurring between man(or woman) and their new best friend:

Human: “Fido, come here!”

Couch Dog: “Roof!” <<It ain’t happening>>

Couch Dog: “Bark!” <<Human lets go for a walk.>>

Human: “Burp. It ain’t happening.”

Couch Dog: “Woof!” <<Human can I have a bite of your sandwich?>>

Human: “Gosh, thats all you do is eat! OK, here you go…”

Couch Dog: “Roof!” <<Thanks! Can I snuggle up next to your warm, fat belly? Its like the perfect gelatinous cave to sniff around for other lost dogs…>>

Human: “Awww.. So cute.”

Couch Dog: “Bark!”

Human: “What?!”

Couch Dog: <<Gosh, thats all you do is eat! Can I have another bite of that sandwich?>>

Human: “Damn you! Here..”

Couch Dog: “Woof” <<Why are we watching the entire season of Housewives? I can think of a dozen better things to do. What is on Animal Planet? There was a show on cats I wanted to see…>>

Human: “Sssh! We are about to find out who stole the diamonds!”

Couch Dog: Bark!  <<I could use something to chew on that will help my teeth stay white,  my breath stay fresh and help my coat to glisten. I saw it on a commercial once…>>

Couch Dog: “Bark” <<Can I lick the crumbs off your shirt?>>

Human: “Stop bothering me.”

Couch Dog: “Bark! Bark!” <<Give me those crumbs damn it or I am making a mess in my diaper!>>

Human: “Phew! Was that you? Did you just fart? I can’t sit here for a minute without you ruining it!”

Couch Dog: <<Actually it has been five minutes since I lasted farted but about four hours since we have been on this couch together. Moohhhahaha! My master plan is working! I have bred the perfect human! I have comfort, warmth and a dumbass that will feed me and all I have to do is whimper. I am a genius!>>

Human: Faaarrrttt!

Cough Dog: “Yelp!” <<Oh no! I have created a monster!>>

Today’s workout challenge: The Selfless Workout

Today’s workout is a tough one and will challenge you like none other. It will  literally pit YOU against YOURSELF.  When over, I GUARANTEE  you will feel fantastic.  Before you try it though take a look at yourself in front of a mirror and be happy that you have a mirror hanging in front of you…
I call this the Selfless workout:
1) Get out of bed
2) Walk over to the computer
3) Open up a web-browser (If you are reading this then you are already half way done with the workout! Now comes the hard part…)
4) Navigate to www.habitat.org
5) Pull out a credit card
5) Click on the donate button. Follow the instructions.
Feel free to repeat this workout often just make sure your bank account can handle it.

My goal in life: See every beautiful day firsthand

My latest goal in life is to greet every beautiful day firsthand. Not behind a desk, not commuting on a train, and certainly not hidden in some windowless room. We were intended to do this. We were made to do this. I was made to do this! If you find yourself forced to be indoors on a beautiful day turn to those around you and ask “Is there a reason we can’t do this outside?” Believe me, this is something everyone wants but are too afraid to ask. The next gorgeous day you come across make sure and appreciate it firsthand: outdoors. Be bold and enjoy it!

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The history of frozen underwear

Spicy food makes an otherwise boring diet exciting yet its consumption comes with consequences. The challenge of eating spicy food without major side affects has been a quest of mankind for centuries. Today, there are many known approaches: ice water, antacids and the practice of wearing frozen underwear.

With the advent of refrigeration it has now been possible to do something about late stage spicy food digestion. It is no longer necessary to squat in an icy river or walk around with a pail full of ice strapped to your backside. This article describes the history of how frozen underwear has come to be and how it has helped improve our quality of life.

Ancient Times:

Ancient Aztec writings tell us that Jalapeños were first consumed during the reign of Montezuma as early as 1000 BC. Apparently Montezuma ordered his Jaguar warriors to eat jalapeños in order to make them stronger. However the practice ended soon after Montezuma lost a battle with the Incas. Later, while plotting his revenge he and his men squatted in the ice cold Xochimlco River. The river got its name from the words “Oh Mi loco” which is Aztec for: “Soothe the great fire from behind.”

In 700 BC The Inuit tribe of Louisiana overdoes it with the cajun rub on their brisket. The tribe heads north to Alaska preferring to relocate over changing their diet. The forced march north is later dubbed “The long, painful toboggan ride.”

In 300 BC, Alexander the Great conquered a Persian army much larger than his own because of the Persian’s lack of mobility. Apparently the Persian Immortals had previously conquered India and were suffering from the after affects of spicy Indian food. Their inability to walk without dragging their backsides along the ground made them easy prey.

Middle Ages:

1450: The first recorded use of a bidet. Marco Polo brought back General Tso’s chicken from China creating what was the first overland Spicy Food Trade route. Europeans have never been the same and required an extra toilet in their bathrooms ever since.

1470: The famous inventor Leonardo di Vinci accidentally creates the first hot tub after putting too much tabasco in his bloody mary. Despite wild interest in the new device the hot tub does not catch on among spicy food eaters.

1812: Napoleon suffered his first major defeat at the battle of Waterloo so named because Napoleon was suffering from post spicy food consumption and needed a loo with water.  He was famously quoted (with a French accent): “J’ai besoin d’une salle de bain avec de l’eau parce que mon derrière est en feu” Which means “I need a bathroom with water because my butt is on fire.” While Napoleon sits and reads the newspaper his armies falter.

1835: Ivan the Terrible protects Russia from invasion by selling blocks of ice to Genghis Khan after he and his men eat too much Korean barbecue.

Modern day:

1935: Hitler stumbles upon the idea of the blitzkrieg after losing a spicy hotdog eating contest to Goebles.

1972: General Electric toys with the idea of plug-in refrigerated underwear as part of its GE Profile line of products.

1975: a big fan of Mexican food, Lee Iaccoca introduces refrigerated seating in its Chrysler vehicles

1989: the fast food chain Taco Bell tests the slogan “Yo quiero un culo caliente!’

2004: Joan Rivers plastic surgeon creates the patented “Pucker Protector”. A discreet device that brings long lasting relief to late stage spicy food digestion.

2013: A hangover from too many El Guapo Calientes sends an avid blogger mad causing him to spend most of the day in the bathroom when the batteries in his Pucker Protector go dead. (Thank you Steve and Barbara!)

Eat a snickers bar! You are not yourself when you are hungry!

I love those Snickers commercials where the cranky dude or dudette needs to eat a snickers bar to transform from a diva to a normal human. Kudos to the writers that came up with the idea and the geniuses that cast the likes of Joe Pesci, Betty White and Aretha Franklin. Isn’t it so true that when you are hungry you just aren’t yourself? And what kind of decisions do you make when you are tired or cranky? Enjoy the video here.

There is nothing wrong with eating a Snickers bar for a quick pick me up. Just remember there are 296 calories in that little 2 ounce bar and they lack nutritional value. Indulging once in awhile is fine but if you make a habit of it your jeans will start to get tight.

If your friends are getting angry with you and you happen to be out of Snickers bars there are some healthier alternatives that will keep you from becoming a diva:

  • Apple
  • Orange
  • Yogurt
  • Cheese snack
  • Plum
  • Grapes
  • Strawberrries
  • Mixed Nuts

These are natures Snicker bar replacements and it is wise to keep them handy. Try not to find yourself hungry and staring at chocolate and whatever you do: don’t become a diva in front of your friends!