Tag Archives: laziness

Top couch potato dogs

For several thousand years we have been selectively breeding dogs to help mankind survive. We bred dogs to help us hunt, we bred them to guard our sheep, we bred them for protection. Nowadays we breed them to help blind people, to sniff out bad guys, to look for bombs. The list goes on and on. Dogs are really, really cool. Of course nowadays some people use dogs for really uncool things like sitting in purses or keeping their fat butt on the couch.

I stumbled upon this article that lists the top “couch potato dogs”. These are dogs that are bred not to do anything except look cute and match our sedentary lifestyle. They don’t really have any other purpose. It sounds like they are being bred to be lazy just like us.  According to the author these dogs can get by with just “a short stroll or brief indoor playtime.” That sounds perfect for the typical couch potato.

“Dag nab it! If you can only walk yourself!”

I now envision a totally new breed of dog. It will have short legs like a Dachshund (because it never walks anywhere), a big fat belly (it will be shaped more like a pig) and it will learn to wear a diaper (because nobody will take it out for a walk). The breed will be called the Couch Dog.

This is how I see the interaction occurring between man(or woman) and their new best friend:

Human: “Fido, come here!”

Couch Dog: “Roof!” <<It ain’t happening>>

Couch Dog: “Bark!” <<Human lets go for a walk.>>

Human: “Burp. It ain’t happening.”

Couch Dog: “Woof!” <<Human can I have a bite of your sandwich?>>

Human: “Gosh, thats all you do is eat! OK, here you go…”

Couch Dog: “Roof!” <<Thanks! Can I snuggle up next to your warm, fat belly? Its like the perfect gelatinous cave to sniff around for other lost dogs…>>

Human: “Awww.. So cute.”

Couch Dog: “Bark!”

Human: “What?!”

Couch Dog: <<Gosh, thats all you do is eat! Can I have another bite of that sandwich?>>

Human: “Damn you! Here..”

Couch Dog: “Woof” <<Why are we watching the entire season of Housewives? I can think of a dozen better things to do. What is on Animal Planet? There was a show on cats I wanted to see…>>

Human: “Sssh! We are about to find out who stole the diamonds!”

Couch Dog: Bark!  <<I could use something to chew on that will help my teeth stay white,  my breath stay fresh and help my coat to glisten. I saw it on a commercial once…>>

Couch Dog: “Bark” <<Can I lick the crumbs off your shirt?>>

Human: “Stop bothering me.”

Couch Dog: “Bark! Bark!” <<Give me those crumbs damn it or I am making a mess in my diaper!>>

Human: “Phew! Was that you? Did you just fart? I can’t sit here for a minute without you ruining it!”

Couch Dog: <<Actually it has been five minutes since I lasted farted but about four hours since we have been on this couch together. Moohhhahaha! My master plan is working! I have bred the perfect human! I have comfort, warmth and a dumbass that will feed me and all I have to do is whimper. I am a genius!>>

Human: Faaarrrttt!

Cough Dog: “Yelp!” <<Oh no! I have created a monster!>>

A big day for cyberloafing

According to this article on Webopedia cyberloafing is:

A “Slang term used to describe employees who surf the net, write e-mail or other Internet-elated activities at work that are not related to their job. These activities are performed during periods of time when they are being paid by their employer…”

Cyberloafing (also known as cyberslacking) gets a bump this time of the year on the Monday following daylight savings time. Research studies point to a big drop in productivity due to changes in sleep patterns.

Personally, I never cyberloaf… I merely research… eh..OK… I have to say that I do a lot of “research” on Mondays probably more so than I any other day of the week. Do you do the same…eh… research on Mondays? Is this your biggest day for “research”?

My list of the top cyberloaf Mondays in order:

  • Firs Monday after a long Summer vacation (The brain is not functioning)
  • First Monday after New Years Day (Still recovering. Whats work again?)
  • First Monday after Spring break (Still recovering. Need more brain cells)
  • First Monday after Spring Day Light Savings Time (Lose an hour of sleep!)
  • First Monday after Fall DST change (Gain an hour of sleep!)
  • Tuesday after Labor Day (It is technically a Monday)
  • Tuesday after Memorial Day (See above)

Am I missing anything? Are these your same loafing days? My brain is not functioning right now. Too much sleep!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The enemy of productivity: comfy sheets

Some of you on this beautiful Saturday morning will spend a few extra minutes in bed. Unable to resist the mighty magnetic force keeping your back pinned to the mattress and your head buried in the pillow. The world is calling and there are things to do but the sheets hold you fast. One more minute of sleep.

Like the siren calling the sailors to the rocks, the sheets drag you closer to unconsciousness. Just out of reach are your dreams. You can almost reach out and touch them.

The sounds of “The Grind” are missing. You do not hear the neighbor climb into his car and the noise of those going to work. You do not hear the whistles of trains or the sounds of traffic. In fact, there is little stimulus from the outside world. Sounds that would otherwise drive you upwards. Saturday morning in bed. Ahhh…One more minute of sleep.

Silky, warm, soft and swaddling the sheets transform you into a denizen of the sleep world. They caress your skin and give you comfort. They are a soft, light anchor silently imprisoning you in the world of the sloth. One more minute of sleep. Like the sirens they sing to you. Your sub-conscious begins to sing back:

Snarly, growly stomach making me want to eat

I cant get up now, the sheets are so snug, rising would be such a feat!

Snugly, buggily, boo now I need to poo.

But holding me down are sheets so warm what is a girl to do?

Silkily, softly, sea I must get up to pee

There are things to do, places to go and plenty of things to see

Fluffy, comfy clouds I adore.

You make getting up such a chore.

Thanks for the sleep but I must get up before the world thinks of me as a whore!

Happy Saturday morning all!